SM for the Masses

What is sadomasochism and what it is NOT….

In order to describe what this long taboo subject is all about, we have to start off by setting some ground rules. SM employs some techniques that must be defined for any of this to make sense.

What is SM?

SM has two parts – a dominant and a submissive

The most important issue at hand is the universal creed in SM, which is: SAFE, SANE and CONSENSUAL. While applying whips and bondage, the SM Dom must learn not to damage their partner. No crazy out of control stunts. Drugs and alcohol should be avoided as they impair good judgment. Both partners should be willing participants to the act.

The submissive is the one in a position of helplessness, vulnerability and trust. The dominant is the one in a position of command. We don't like to use the word control since that is not technically true. In order to build trust in this type of relationship – especially important in the beginning – the sub must feel like they retain some type of control. This can change as the relationship progresses.

Doms have several items in their bag of tricks such as bondage, sensory deprivations, flagellation, verbal dominance, behavior modification and mind games, just to name a few. A good Dom will have mastered most of these talents and will use these tools to a greater or lesser degree depending on the reaction of the Sub.

Doms give orders Subs follow orders. This sounds like a simple principal that is used in the every day world – however there is one important difference, the Sub does this because he/she wants to, not because they have to. It brings the sub pleasure and feeling of security by completing tasks or following orders given by the Dom – whom they respect. “The submissive is therefore, empowering the dominant. We call a consensual empowerment of the dominate by the submissive a power exchange. Just as she gave her consent, she can take it away at any time. Power in the SM flows from the bottom up.” (From – Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns, by Philip Miller and Molly Devon).

What SM is NOT!

First and foremost, SM is not abuse. No medical personal should be required at the end of a session. There is no harm for one of the participants in the SM world. Each individual should walk away from SM with a feeling of wholeness or the feeling of being complete, not feeling dirty, emotionally tortured, or otherwise harmed in any way (unless you have reached that level and have decided this is what you want first!). We hear and see individuals on TV who kidnap, kill, mame, mutilate and otherwise physically and emotionally harm their victims. These people are known as “nuts” and are not part of the SM family.

How do you learn the practices of SM?

Well, to start with, no one is born with the skills required to effectively dominate their partner. There is a lot of time patience and understanding put into SM practices. You may be able to open and close a clamp (of other tools) – however where you place them and how tight you make them are learned skill.

By sharing information among SM participants and its subculture, you will find many people willing to share, exchange information and generally help where they can – the support and understanding of each individual is incredible. While they probably won't give away the family jewels – they will point you in the right direction so that you can find your own way. Remember, SM is different for each person and each couple. What it means to one might not apply to the other. Each couple must take the time to build the closeness and the connection of what works and brings them pleasure.

The SM Lingo – some definitions...

Scene

Once you find people who are like minding and thinking about SM you have found “the scene” and one of the “scene people”. Doing a scene means performing and erotic activity relating to your own previsions. These scenes can be as simple as a good spanking, or as involved as setting yourself on fire. Scenes can be “light”, such as a soft sensual spanking, or heavy such as binding your partner and tossing them in a cage for a while. Remember, what one person sees as heavy might be light for others.

Bondage

B&D is widely used to describe bondage, the tying up or restraining of someone in a particular way – most probably in a compromising position. Discipline is part of the game and most loosely defined in the world of B&D.

Dominance and Submission

D&S is the term you will frequently see to describe the dominance and submission game. Each couple will have their own set of rules that are agreed upon in advance.

We hope this takes some of the mystery out of SM. In future articles we will attempt to dive into individual scenes and explain some of the types of actions that you may not be familiar with.